Vampires of the Ring
"Peregrin Took, stop your fretting." the wizard commanded.
"Why are we waiting in the snow?" Pippin asked.
"It's not even snowing, Pippin!" Merry contradicted
"'S cold enough to snow."
"SILENCE!" Bellowed Elrond, finally appearing before the waiting Fellowship.
"Ahem. I wish you all the best of luck on your journey, blah blah blah...And may the blessings of elves and men and all free
folk go wi--"
"Estel!" a shriek from the back of the crowd as Arwen pushed through. Aragorn
and Elrond visibly winced. "Didn't even say goodbye!" Arwen huffed, standing before Aragorn.
"Ah, uhm, I ah...I...I was so grieved that I had to leave you, I could not bear
to say that awful word!" the ranger began. "My love!" he tacked on at the end.
"Where did they go?" Elrond asked the bemusedly empty spot
of ground before him.
The Fellowship (and Arwen) reappeared suddenly, promptly lost
their balance, and fell into a heap.
"MY HAIR!" The noises suddenly stopped as they realized that they did not lay
on a beaten soil path, nor the soft grass of Rivendell, nor even in a wet and cold stream.
They were lying on a carpet the likes of which none of them had seen, in a room
decorated like none of them had ever seen, in a style that none of them ever even dreamed of, and furnished in furniture that
would have bought all of Gondor, Arnor, Lothlorien, the Shire, and everything in them-- thrice over. And scattered throughout
this room were at least a dozen pale faces, in varying degrees of shock, rage, curiosity, and disdain.
"Who are you?" one of them asked, rising to stande before the group. Ten pairs
of faces studied him.
"We..oww...This is my...This is Arw--" Arwen glared.
"I'm his One True Love."
"How's she do that?" said one of them. Two pairs of elven eyes snapped to him,
sizing him up like they had done the other. Dark hair, lovely green eyes, paler than pale skin...Less malevolent that the
golden one that he speaking to.
"How's she do what?"
"Pronounce those letters with capitals?" the golden one shook his head irritably,
as the dark-haired one sat back again.
"We are the Fellowship." The reaction to these words was surprising. The darkhaired
one fell out of his chair, one of the females in the back knocked over a glass vase, which shattered, the small redhaired
boy looked shocked for a moment, before dropping a mask of serenity over his face, some of them ignored it (the golden one
included) and others merely blinked.
"Still so human, Louis..." the golden one grumbled as he watched his companion
pick himself up off the floor.
"We are the vampire coven of Night Island. I am Armand, my friends here," He
gestured to the room --
"I am the Vampire Lestat." the golden one said loudly. As all the eyes in the
room snapped to him (except for Louis', who had picked up a dusty book), he grinned broadly, whipping out a small mirror from
his pocket and studying himself in it for a moment. Unfortunately, it was that moment Legolas realized that said mirror was
"MUST...OGLE...REFLECTION!" he muttered, wrestling the mirror from the vampire
who was now on the floor, struggling for the mirror just as much.
"Oh damn." Marius said conversationally. "If he turns out any more like Lestat
than he already is, my life's nightmares will be confirmed."
"So will mine."
"Count mine in!" the chorus of assertions came to an abrupt halt:
"Mine won't." They stared at Louis, who blushed, fumbled with the book, and
tried to make up for it. "I mean, uh--"
"Why do you all have the same nightmares?" asked Pippin, from somewhere around
Marius looked around for a moment before spotting Pippin. "Well...That's Legolas,
isn't it?" The Fellowship and Arwen nodded. "Think about the consequences if there were TWO Legolases." Pippin blinked, then
"Where'd he go?"
"Under that thing." Merry pointed under the couch.
"Ah. Good decision..." By this time, Boromir had helped one of the vampire women
drag Legolas off Lestat, restraining both of them from going at each others throats. No pun intended.
"What are your names?" Arwen asked irritably. "And why are we here? And who
brought us here?"
"I do not know why you are here, my lady," Marius began. "And as for who brought
you here, only God knows."
"Who's God?" Boromir asked curiously. The one called Louis looked up from his
"Aaaaaaah." the Fellowship chorused, nodding and smiling knowingly.
"What lovely necks they have, Marius...I think it's time for a little snack.."
"You'll have to excuse Pandora. She's a little hungry."
"Let me go, Marius!"
"Don't eat them."
"Eat us?!" squeaked Pippin. Pandora stared at Pippin, slowly grinning to reveal
her fangs, trying to terrify him. Needless to say, it worked. Pippin whimpered, edging around behind Boromir and out of sight,
as Marius began speaking again.
"This is Pandora, Lestat--"
"That's the VAMPIRE Lestat to you!"
"-- Louis," He gestured to each of them in turn, as Pandora and Louis inclined
their heads slightly, and Lestat whipped out his mirror again. A few thumps from the Men signaled that Legolas was putting
up a new struggle. "Amadeo.." He stared at Armand for a while, until Pandora thwapped him across the back of the head.
"God's beloved, not yours.." Sam gave Marius a slighty 'weirded out' look, and
backed away as Armand glared.
"Uhm..." a third vampire continued, very slowly, trying to distract the Fellowship
(AND ARWEN!) from staring at the various vampires. "Daniel, Mael, I'm David, and last but not least: Gabrielle, and Jesse."
"We are the Fellowshipandarwen. Arwen, Frodo, Sam, MerryandPippin, Aragorn,
Gimli, I think you've already figured out that the blonde elf is Legolas--"
"--I'm Aragorn, and this is Boromir, Gimli, and Gandalf..."
"We're hungry!" Pippin said.
"Are we?" Merry asked.
"We're hungry." They chorused.
"We don't have your sort of food here." Four thumps followed this statement,
caused by traumatized hobbits falling without ceremony to the floor.
"No, but we have our sort of food." Pandora said, staring at Aragorn's neck.
"PANDORA. I told you, don't even think about eating them. First of all, let's
figure out exactly why we are her..." David rose, surprisingly at the same time as Louis. They glanced at each other.
"I think they may have fell through a small rip in the fabric of the universe.
It's happened before, if anyone cares to remember my sight of God and the Devil?"
"Who's the Devil?"
"Melkor." "Memnoch." Louis and Lestat said at the same time.
"Actually, I was thinking the same thing, only very slightly different. A plothole."
"Plothole! You know! They happen in fanfictions all the time. Usually the author
feels confused about how the characters get from Point A to Point B, so he or she creates a plothole to--"
"LOUIS! Have you been reading fanfiction again?!" Louis blushed and sat down
"When do I get food?" Aragorn sneakily tripped him, dragging him out of Lestat's
reach by one ankle. Marius glanced at Pippin, who suddenly found that he was unable to open his mouth. Loud noises of distress
from the other three hobbits which more than amounted for Pippin's lack thereof, causing even Marius to twitch with annoyance,
got his mouth usable again.
"Need help?" Gandalf muttered to Marius over the cacophony and chaos.
"Give it your best shot." Marius shrugged. Gandalf leered evilly and turned
to the room. With a blast of rainbow fireworks from his staff and a loud boom of "SILENCE!!!!", a stunned one settled over
"Fireworks were a nice touch, I have to admit. How are we going to deal with
the Fellowship residing at Night Island--"
"Which I haven't even agreed to." Armand finished.
"--since rabid fangirls would glomp them and drag them off one by one to their
secret lairs of torture if we threw them out." Legolas, realizing that he wasn't going to get anywhere near Lestat's mirror,
sat on the floor and began ogling himself in one of his knives.
"Now that we have agreed that they may stay on Night Island, what will we do
"Eat them?" Pandora asked hopefully.
"Damn." Louis looked up from the book for a moment, stunned with a realization
of something awful.
"Who is this Fellowship anyway, and why do some of you know them?" Gabrielle
asked. A boxed copy of The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings flew at her head from Louis' general direction.
"Must be a family trait, not to read good fiction."
"Except it's not fiction, now."
"That works awfully well, Gandalf..."
"Why thank you... Marius, wasn't it?"
"They stay here, then. Daniel, you don't seem inclined to feeding off them,
why don't you give them the house tour while I discuss the no-eating-no-making-no-intimidating policy with the rest of the
coven?" The Fellowship (And Arwen!) was dutifully dragged out the door, as Marius turned back to the other vampires. "You
all know how much I hate doing this--"
"Sit down, watch the coven master do it."
Five minutes later...
"Yes, Armand. Of course, Armand. Wouldn't dream of touching them, Armand." They
"Fine, fine, I won't either."
"Why?" came the two-part harmony, yet again. 'Why'
about the stairs, 'why' about the kitchen, 'why' about the bedrooms, 'why' about the 'why'!!! It was, to put it dramatically,
driving Daniel insane.
"Why?" asked Merry and Pippin, yet again.
"Because Eru made you that way." he said slowly.
"Ask Louis or Lestat."
"Because if any one knows, it'll be them."
"Because Louis reads everything he gets his hands on, and Lestat's been to heaven."
"Why?" Daniel gritted his teeth.
"Are you SURE they are all over the age of 25?"
"Yep." Answered Aragorn. "They usually aren't this...why-ish."
When the Fellowshipandarwen reentered the room, it was empty.
The hobbits instictivly clung to the legs of the Big Folk, gibbering slightly in apprehension under the influence of such
nightmarish fantasies as Pippin's ("Rabid foaming-at-the-mouth-scary-vampire-lady jumps at me from behind curtain and eats
"Interesting. They must have all gone out to feed." Daniel looked around. "I'll
be going then too! Make yourselves comfortable, they'll probably be bringing back food..." then the door slammed and the Fellowshipandarwen
"What is this fanfiction stuff anyway?"
"It sounds like that one two-headed goat that Farmer Maggot had." A collective
whimper from the hobbits.
"What happened to it?"
"It was on fire."
"Don't know, but it was scary. And huge. And had two heads."
"It caused the great goat epidemic of thirteen-ninety." Pippin's tale was interrupted
by the door being knocked down, and three vampires entering.
"Where is he? Where's the little imp?" one of them growled.
"You mean Pippin?" Boromir whacked Aragorn on the back of the head.
"No, no, Armand!"
"Oh, they went OUT."
"Out." The woman paused.
"Who are you?" The Fellowshipandarwen groaned in unison.
"We're the Fellowship and Arwe--"
"No, not your names, WHO are you?" Long silence. "What are you doing here? You're
"I'M not mortal!" Arwen and Legolas chorused.
"We're from another world."
"Uh-huh. Sure. And I'm not trying to get revenge on the imp for sending Mekare
a years subscription of Playboy as a prank."
"It's called sarcasm!" she hissed.
"Oh. So what are you going to do?"
"...Eat you. If he's keeping you here, he must like you people."
"But Marius said that he wouldn't let any of the others eat us. Or...make us,
whatever that meant..."
"Well, he obviously wasn't planning on 'Aunt Maharet' dropping in."
"Ah-ha!" the woman's (who the Fellowshipandarwen were beginning to think was
slightly deranged) companion said. "Just relax now..."
"Khayman? What are you doing?"
"Getting revenge on the altar-imp." he said as he leaned towards Arwen's neck.
The Fellowship and Arwen were sitting in a row on the floor
when their hosts re-entered. Except for Legolas, who had discovered a rather stunning mirror above the fireplace and was currently
standing on the hearth with his lips pulled back, studying his teeth.
"We brought you back some food." Armand began as he opened the door for the
"I don't know if we'll be wanting that now." Arwen said grumpily.
"Why ever not?" he asked, moving some random knickknacks off the table.
"Well you see..." Arwen said, as she pointed to her teeth.
-Hope you enjoyed it.